Behind Nunnery Lines: My trip into the Holy Land

September 15, 2006

My parents (since recently joining the catholic church), have developed a particular affinity for buying nuns cell phones. Every nun and or partially religious figure needs to be asked whether or not they own and/or want a cell phone. If they do, my parents offer to fly out to whatever god forsaken place they live in and act as Cingular missionaries, teaching them all they need to know about their new (and holy) cell phone. Most of these “targets” have been near our house, so it hasn’t been a problem. But, as you can imagine, my parent’s addiction has gotten worse as of late, and our last hit was in Mendham, NJ, some 200 miles away. Who is this cellponeless saint? One Sister Joanna (a friend of a friend of a nun).

 Another nun, Sister Ann, offered to make the drive with us (note that I was not particularly happy about this idea). Sister Ann is about as close to having a perfectly round body shape as humanly possible (this is mostly due to her ridiculously borderline-dwarf stature). She could be best described as a weeble, in that she wobbles but doesn’t fall down, unless of course any sort of wind hits her in which case she’s screwed.

 We piled into the car (in my case kicking and screaming) and started off. We picked up Sister Ann, she asked me a few questions and I attempted to answer politely (is a fart followed by a “Halleluiah! What was your question again?” a polite answer?) . It was not a particularly long drive, although it was kind of extended by my nervousness wondering if Sister Ann actually touched me if it would burn, and thinking about what Sister Ann must be telling God about me. My mom conducted a ridiculously long cell phone call to her godmother, which (around minute 296) I began to think would never end. Just as I had decided there must be a special level of hell for weekend atheists, the call ended. 20 minutes later I had decided there must be another level of hell based around making fantastically large amounts of small talk reserved especially for me…

 Finally, we arrived at our destination, Mendham NJ. The motherhouse (nun for “Big fricking House of God”), was where we were greeted by an large regiment of nuns. All of whom smiled and said hi to us, (you could almost taste the malice).  We met Sister Joanna, took her out to dinner, gave her the cell phone, and stopped at the largest gas station I’ve ever seen (appropriately named the “Chateu de Exxon”). After we reached our hotel my parents went to bed (like the good catholics they are, they believe that the lord only talks to people who wake up between 6:00 and 7:00am), and I watched Meet the Fockers, which I still find funny after multiple watchings.

 We woke up and went to a nun mass (you heard me right), during which I contemplated the meaning of uncomfortable wooden pews, while my nose ran like a faucet. The nuns singing “Halleleuiah, Halleleuiah”. They keep singing, I keep grabbing tissues (trying to wait for the loud parts of the song to start blowing). All while more and more nuns began to look at me strangely (sort of like “What did he do that God got so ticked at him for?”). I hate to admit it, but as my supply shortened I began to covet another’s tissues. The guy in front of me most likely had (and still has), either an extremely uncomfortable penis or ridiculous hemroids. He would fidget every couple of seconds and look at Sister Ann. A lot. Plus there was a nun to my back right who found it nessacary to sing louder than the rest of the church so that all you could hear was her mindless screeching. Then, when we got to the homily-the priest mentioned how, in the scripture, Jesus says that if you make the sign of the cross on your ear you will hear the sound of the lord – which consequently made the ingenius singing nun behind me disengage both hands to try her luck. When I turned around to look at her (and this is hard to imagine) she immediately pulled her hands down and tried to ‘act natural’. 

And that was about it. We conseqently headed home without anything else exciting. I was pretty dissapointed with the lack of controversy inside of the Convent. Too bad. Maybe it’s time to start giving cell phones to priests…

Until next time.

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