The Ho, the witch, and Ms. Pacman

February 1, 2007

It’s that time of month again (not my menses, I’m a dude),  it’s writing time! 

This weekend my mother and I engaged in a philosophical (ho-riffic) discussion over the word ‘ho’. My mother thought that Hilary Clinton was a ho, while I disagreed. So, like all god-fearing people, we looked in the word of the lord:

Accoring to the wikipedia:

The term prostitution refers to the act of having sexual intercourse or performing other sexual acts, explicitly for material compensation — normally money, but also other forms of property, including drugs, expensive clothing, jewelery, or real estate.  

Assuming that Hilary Clinton is a ho, this is obviously wrong, no one would be willing to pay (or recieve pay) to sleep with Hilary Clinton. So, I checked encarta:


1.  an offensive term for somebody who is regarded as willing to set aside principles or personal integrity in order to obtain something, usually for selfish motives.

Again, totally wrong. How can Hilary set aside principles that she doesn’t have? These people don’t even know what a ho is! Then I finally came to it. The greatest idea I’ve ever had…

I’m easy like Sunday morning

The all in one guide to the ho-tastic world of hos


-The 10 Commandments
1. Thou shall not player-hate.
2. Thou shall appreciate.
3. Thou shall not kill, unless thou got her corner stoled by a skank ho, in which case don’t worry about it.
4. Thou shall obey thy pimp.
5. Thou shall remain clean.
6. Thou shall stop after the age of 40. Dear god please stop after the age of 40.

– Is she a ho?

1-Take the first letter of her middle name.

2-Add the number of times the preacher says amen at your next service. 

3-Multiply that number by 4 badoodles.

4- Forget about that number, pick how much you hate her between 1 and 10, and if it’s more then 0,

She’s a HO!

-The many flavors of ho

The ho-down
She who benefits from the ho-dom, but doesn’t actually ho. Sometimes referred to as scaredy ho.

The hobra
She lurks in the shadows (usually very wide shadows) and pounces on her unsuspecting victim. Territorial. Their prey include ugly white men, skinny black men, and Bill Clinton.

The STD collector
Not to be confused with the skank ho. The STD collector tries to find as many odd and ecclectic STDs to add to her croch collection.

-How to be a successful ho

So you’ve got you’re first potential customer! I’m so proud of you. He’s probably driving up in a flashing sentra or something affirmingly masculine right? Now’s your time to make the sale. Start walking in a zig-zag pattern up to the passenger window, while alternating your head from looking upper left to upper right extremes. Try to act natural. Once you’re within 5 feet, make an abrupt stop, look at him, act surpised (like the girl on the coppertone bottle) and repeat the following mantra: “Oh, lordy me, I didn’t see that sexy sautee of man filet from that distance. Sexy boy, blah blah blah…”. It doesn’t actually matter what you say as long as you make sure to phrases like “sex me” and various god references at least 2-3 times a sentence. If he hasn’t driven away yet then you’re doing good!…

-Famous Hos

Condoleeza Rice
Condy is the new Monica. I think we all know that W. loves the dark chocolate.

Maya Angelou
Let’s face it, her poems (ho-ems) aren’t that good. A real bore. The only reason she’s popular must be because she’s a ho.

The Virgin  Mary
Her and the big man were doing the nasty. If that don’t make a ho I don’t know what do.


 And there you have it. Serious bestseller material. Now please excuse me while I go hide from the avalanche of interested publishers…


2 Responses to “The Ho, the witch, and Ms. Pacman”

  1. Paul Says:

    You never mentioned anything about Ms. Pacman.

  2. @ andylockran: That’s certainly a more elegant way of doing it thanks for this. Click

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